Why Couples Fight: Identifying the Four Horsemen

In his research, Dr. John Gottman identified the greatest predictors of divorce. He calls them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They're pretty common, and also human. We all have the tendency to engage in them, because they're natural patterns. At the same time, the research has shown us that these four things are incredibly harmful to relationships. The first step in effective couples counseling is learning to spot these patterns. Let's dive into them below: 

Criticism

This is when you attack your partner's character or personality instead of addressing a specific issue or need you have. Criticism makes the partner feel globally defective, leading to immediate defensiveness.

• Example: Instead of saying, "It bothers me when the dishes aren't put away," you say, "You always leave your dishes in the sink". 

Contempt

Contempt is treating your partner with disrespect or disdain. It communicates disgust and hatred, slowly eroding away at the foundation of the relationship. Contempt can look like something as simple as eye-rolling and sarcasm or more obvious like insults and mockery. Gottman's research shows that contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce and relationship failure.

• Example: Instead of saying, "It bothers me when the dishes aren't put away," you say, "You are so lazy, it's no wonder this house is such a mess". 

Defensiveness

This is when a partner counters a complaint by making excuses or cross-complaining. Defensiveness usually escalates the conflict because it shuts down the partner's attempts to be heard.

• Example: Partner A: "You didn't put the dishes away again." Partner B: "Well, you always make a mess while cooking! It's not my fault."

Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when a partner physically or emotionally withdraws from the conversation. It can seem like the partner doesn't care or isn't listening, which can make the other person feel abandoned and rejected, ensuring the problem remains unresolved.

If these patterns feel familiar, know that there are skills you can learn together to repair and improve communication in the relationship.

From Conflict to Connection: The Gottman Antidotes

The benefit of the Gottman Method lies in its actionable, researched-based approach. In couples or relationship therapy sessions, we move beyond just talking about the things that come up each week or only dealing with one issue at a time. Instead, we use a more structured approach and start practicing skills that can be applied in the relationship in real-time. 

The Antidote for Criticism: The Softened Start-up

This is a fundamental skill for all couples. Instead of starting a discussion with "you," you start with "I," and focus only on stating your feelings and needs and not on blaming the other person or convincing them of your position. 

• The Skill: State what you feel, describe the situation (not what your partner did wrong), and state what you need positively.

• Example: "I feel anxious when I see the bills piling up. Could we please set aside 30 minutes tonight to sit down and tackle this together?"

The Antidote for Stonewalling: Physiological Self-Soothing

When you stonewall, your heart rate is likely elevated, leading to a state of emotional and physical overwhelm. This state is what we in the therapy world call "flooding". Just like we address anxiety management in individual therapy, we teach couples to recognize when they are flooded and take steps to address it before continuing the conversation. 

• The Skill: There are several ways to calm our nervous system. I've described some of these ways in my blog on self-care strategies. Learning how and when to implement these skills during conversations is part of the process.

The Antidote for Contempt: Building Fondness and Admiration

Because contempt erodes away at affection and connection, the antidote is to rebuild a culture of appreciation and respect. This involves consciously scanning your partner for things you can appreciate and voicing them regularly.

• The Skill: Setting aside 5 minutes each day to share the things you appreciate about each other. Whether that's something you love about their personality or something they have done that day that you are grateful for, this small exercise helps to generate positive sentiment towards each other.

Your Path Forward

If you and your partner are ready to stop the painful conflict cycle and commit to learning the skills that change relationships, couples therapy is a great option to explore. 

As a therapist who utilizes the Gottman Method, I work with couples on breaking their destructive patterns. My focus isn't on simply talking about the problems or mediating surface-level disputes; it's on providing the evidence-based skills you need to rebuild trust and create lasting change in the relationship. Learn more about couples therapy services at Helia Therapy here.

If you have any questions about the process, you can schedule an initial consultation. Helia Therapy offers therapy in-person in Decatur and online for those in the Greater Atlanta Area, including Brookhaven, Sandy Springs, Dunwoody, and Alpharetta. 

By Alisha Uppal. LPC